Giving ʻOhana a Kindness: On loving in times of adversity and pain

Escaping a Cult, Healing from Trafficking, The Lifework of Healing, The Courage to Grow and a Commitment to Kindness

November 16, 2023

A processing post in this journey of self-growth, discovery, with a commitment to kindness, radical acceptance, and transforming wounds into pearls of insight.

I have been asking family members if they would be willing to consider not using language in email correspondence that induces PTSD type of suffering.

Some have respected the boundaries, and others have not, and have come clean with their perception of who I am and what I have grown into which does not resonate with how I perceive myself.

The language is toxic and harmful and I choose to be kind, and quietly let go, and practice radical acceptance.  I choose to practice inter-connected compassion.

That there is a fork in the road, and I am going to choose to flow with kindness, and tolerance, and a path of no judgment, and will no longer allow my body to be bombarded by unkind words and unhelpful labels.

Self-Reflection: The Chunks of Work so Far

Level One: Take a time out from ʻohana COMPLETELY and work your complex-PTSD journey.

Level Two: After around twenty years of work, explore ancestral, historical, and ʻohana healing, attempt to be in relationship with family. Learn, grow, practice radical acceptance. Be of support to those that ask. Learn from them and be grateful for their teachings. Be present with those who may be experiencing early death from ACES too High and help them pass in peace. Hear their stories. Give them unconditional love and shower them with respect and kindess to the best of your ability.

Level Three: Have the courage to give family members who have coped with the trauma in a different way, and use harmful, hateful language in response to attempts to create healthy boundaries, to let go, completely, and choose to no longer be in direct relationship, but love from deeper within.  Cease correspondence via email, or text, physical visits. Choose safety first, always.

Strategies for processing the intense triggering and disrespect for boundaries.

• Do check in with friends and family you trust and respect you for who you are. 

• Do check in with any professional mental wellness, body wellness support.

• Ask for "reality" checks.

• Drop into kindness, and in whatever action your are taking in day to day living, choose acts of kindness, even if it is going the extra mile to wrap something you sold to move out in the clearing clutter process, including a note of gratitude.

Process in the way that works for you. 

• Talk to others, hear their family challenge stories, express gratitude, give hugs, receive their gifts with grace

• Journal

• Meditate

• Just get horizontal and watch some entertainment that feels suportive

• Sing, go about doing things that bring you positive feelings, such as a visit to the clay studio, continuing with studies.

• Use a coaching tool, such as ChatGPT, to help you craft correspondence to the family member (s) you are attempting to compromise and communicate with asking for feedback about the nature of the tone of the correspondence received, and ask for affirmation and feedback about the correspondence you want to send, that the tone is loving and respectful.

• Trust your doctor, your therapist, your psychiatrist, those trained professionals, in relation to best ways of moving forward. If, from their perspective, they suggest no more contact, then follow their advice. Trust their compassion, their training, their professional outside eye.

Share your experiences in venues that have shown to be supportive, even as simple as a social media post, allow your courage and heart and grace to be witnessed.

To love someone, as if they are you, is to be present when someone you love is triggered and sends language that is violent your way, that contains darts of fear,  and feels like being punched, and slapped, with words. To give yourself self-care and love, by seeking counseling from working professionals in the mental health field, and trusted friends, and continue to attempt to find common ground. It may become clear there is no path to being in a relationship where boundaries are respected because it takes awareness and action on the part of both parties. There may be times when religious extremism, which is supposed to be about love, well, becomes a barrier to creating strong boundaries. It is to give kindness to yourself, to the other person, to move forward by choosing to no longer be in a relationship with the person, no matter how much you love them as a brother or a sister, or an aunty, an uncle, a mother, a father.  When you find the words and language a form of war, sometimes silence and stillness, and compassion are appropriate. To sit, in stillness, and just simply breathe. As I sat and breathed yesterday, I could feel this biological family member inside of me, it was as if he/she was me, and I spoke silent words to him/her. I love you, I will never abandon you. There is so much tenderness in these moments. I have come to understand, that with deep trauma, it is an option to not get professional support and heal, and one may dig deeper religious trenches, and cope with it by walling it all off.  For some people, therapy doesnʻt work, and they find other ways. This has not been my life learning, or path, but I have learned that pointing fingers and judging how someone else copes, this really is not a wise thing, at all.  Radical acceptance is. I have learned, that if one evolves differently spiritually than the family of origins, this may be triggering for the other family members, and the words that are hurled, to keep their own protective mechanism in place, there is no wisdom in standing in direct line of fire, and return kind words and wave a white flag seeking peace. More harmful words and labels and misperceptions will be the response, and your body will tell you when enough is enough. It is a Hawaiian value, to really take care of family, but I do believe there comes a time to say no more, close the door on the physical plane and go inward. It is a gift to all parties to let go. Take to your seat, or a walk in nature, and breath, breath with your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, your aunty, your uncle, and just be with them, as yourself, and give this family member a little bit of warmth, a little bit of aloha, if not a lot. Love no matter how much hate and how harmful the words were, and let go with grace, with gratitude, and treasure what beauty there is in loving all of you, your brother as you, your sister as you, your mother as you, your father as you, the stranger as you, the person in prison as you, the volatile and lonely and vulnerable ones, as you.

Consider Your Own Blind Spots

Use a creative tool to ask if your perspective has any blind spots, and ask for suggestions on readings to help expand diverse thinking. Take action, and begin to expand your thinking.

Here's a list of literature from various perspectives that can offer diverse insights:

• Fiction:

  • To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (addresses racial injustice)

  • The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (explores themes of redemption and cultural differences)

• Non-Fiction:

  • The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot (addresses bioethics and racial issues)

  • The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt (examines moral and political differences)

• Philosophy:

  • The Republic by Plato (presents various philosophical perspectives on justice)

  • Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (a Stoic philosophy classic)

• Science Fiction:

  • Kindred by Octavia Butler (deals with time travel and slavery)

  • Dawn by Octavia Butler (explores themes of humanity and alien contact)

• Historical Perspective:

  • A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn (presents history from marginalized perspectives)

  • The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank (provides a firsthand account of the Holocaust)

• Psychology:

  • Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman (explores cognitive biases)

  • The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (discusses trauma and its effects)

• Spirituality/Religion:

  • The Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff (integrates Taoist philosophy with Winnie the Pooh)

  • The Bhagavad Gita (a classic Hindu scripture)

• Memoir:

  • Educated by Tara Westover (narrates a personal journey of education and self-discovery)

  • The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls (memoir about a dysfunctional family)

These books cover a wide range of genres and perspectives, providing an opportunity to explore different themes and viewpoints.